Leo Clement

William A Garnett ( Snow Geese with Reflections of the Sun over Buena Vista Lake, CA ) My work with horses causes me sometimes, to think only in black and white terms: good verses bad, hard versus easy, simple versus complex, and so on. This kind of thinking probably seems too constricted and too naive in this age of fifty plus shades of gray: black and white seems so yesterday, you know? However, when your life depends on clear signals because everything is riding (literally) on the clearness of your signals to a thousand pound animal who if scared and confused can cause havoc and disaster, black and white is the only safe and reasonable choice.  I've been thinking lately about how we go through our life drowning in choices and options; so many things lie instantly at our finger tips should we want them. All the information we could ever want is usually only a click a way. Should we suddenly decide to change our life completely, the tools to help can appear instantly....

I really struggle this time of year. The post holiday crash is potent because of the knowledge that the hardest part of winter is still ahead. The dark and cold and the general inaccessibility of the outdoors often trigger anxiety in me, not to mention depression. My job requires me to be outdoors all year round, regardless of the weather so even though I am used to it, when the temps drop below zero, I'm dragging myself out the door by my boot straps lamenting and mourning those golden summer days. I had icicles on my eyeballs the day it went fifteen below zero (Fahrenheit) this past week Between the necessity of getting through the day without frostbite and or misery for me and my kids (though the school has recess in the gym when it's this cold) I often forget to lift up my head and find the beauty that can be found in this dark and solemn season. That is why I have Leo. Leo's new favorite word is beautiful . And he knows how to use it. He knows ...

You may have noticed that I've given this blog a bit of a face lift to start off the New Year, and I've also posted back up all of Leo's movies that I've made for him on his birthday. You can view them from the link on the home page's title bar. The very first movie I made for him is called the Half Year movie because we weren't sure that he would make it to the One Year movie mark! But he did and the Half Year movie become almost a catalyst for the miracle of the change in his terminal diagnosis. However, at the time of making that movie, I did not know the happy news yet so it was made with a dose of grief, along with the joy that we felt in having Leo in our life. The other movies mark his amazing development and progression after that first reconstructive surgery, but I'm sure you have also noticed that the Four Year movie is missing! When Leo turned four this past August we were up to our ears in the business of buying a house and moving, and then... ...

Christmas on the PICU Shelf  Remember this time last year? Can you believe that it's been a year already? It's been a whole year since that terrifying two or three or t hree hundred weeks in the PICU . This time last year, we put up a tree just for the cat and the dog and christmas mice and the dust bunnies, because Christmas morning was just one morning in a parade of wretched mornings. My fellow bloggers are posting their pintrest quality christmases and traditions, decorations, and cookies; and all I can think about it is what Christmas is like when you are in the worst place a child could ever be. When Christmas Eve, instead of candlelight, warm hearths and toasty dinners, pretty much passes like any other PICU evening, with sickness and uncertainty. This year, I wanted to dive into everything Christmas. I wanted it to happen this year and not just happen, but happen big! Stockings, lights, tree, the works! I wasn't going to skimp on anything. I wasn't...

Lets talk about the potty. Ok that's weird, you are saying to yourself,  she's really gone batty now.. What about the potty? Other than it being a cutsie thing that parents say when they actually mean toilet and bathroom that drives their friends without kids crazy, the potty is just that. Nothing more, nothing less... Usually...  The potty is a tool that pretty much defines, or it used to, way before smart phones and the internet, modern life. Think of Marcel Duchamp’s urinal "The Fountain." As thought provoking and cutting edge as that piece was (you could almost hear the scandalized artsy gasps echoing from coast to coast) and as many people who claimed they knew what the heck it was all about; in my mind it's just an echo of the modern times. Think it about, it's not rocket science. It's a toilet. Which is all well and good when you have one, and also know how to use it. Those who don't, well they all live in third world countries ri...

I think if you were to ask me which holiday is the most meaningful, which one the most important to me personally, I would have to say Thanksgiving. Sure, Christmas is awesome, with the whole miracle of Christ's birth and our salvation bit, as is Easter for those reasons and then some, like the trampling down death by death thing. But if you were to ask me, which one I value and perhaps keenly feel the importance of the most, I would, hands down, every time, say Thanksgiving. I'll tell you why. (And I have in previous Thanksgiving posts so check the archives!) Thanksgiving was the holiday I hated the most that year when Leo was born. I figured I really had nothing to be thankful for. Nada, zilch, all the good things in my life were a big fat zero. When asked to participate in the round robin voicing of thanks around the festal table, I wanted to pretend to choke on my turkey and slide under the table. I also felt guilty for feeling that way, because let's face it...

For several reasons the past couple of weeks I've been walking down the Leo memory lane. The reasons are as follows: A seemingly veritable baby boom happing here lately that fills the spaces around my friends with squishy baby cheeks and squirmy tots. A heartbreaking situation with one of our friend's baby who was born with a very severe heart anomaly and who did not make it. Please remember baby Damian's family in your prayers. He was one of those special ones that touches and melts a multitude of hearts in his all too brief life. And the last reason is Sloths.  Sloths? What the? Crazy I know, but stick with me here, I'll get there eventually... In the first year of Leo's life I had trouble being around typical, healthy, and well, basically normal babies and children. I had trouble looking at their perfectly formed little noggins without feeling a stab of pain in my heart.  I rarely took Leo anywhere, and when I did he was swathed in a turban li...