Our journal grows...

and so does our baby boy.  I was told this week not to give up on the blog.  It will serve as a documentation of how much our lives have changed with Leo.  Usually change is subtle.  By the time a season has passed, like this sleepy Fall, I cannot remember what I did on those many golden days.  Winter is here and I am in survival mode and wondering what it felt like to be free, warm, less heavy hearted.  But really I was on the edge for most of it.  Sometimes I would like to let people crawl into my space just to feel what it's like to never feel at peace about your son (or daughter).  Peace comes in degrees.  Nothing is taken lightly.  The fact that Leo is incredibly "alive", meaning, he feels this world, breaths it, fights it, and loves it, is a miracle.  Lately he has taken over our attention from our daughter who demands attention all the time (because she is so cute) but we can't take our eyes of our little boy wonder.  His eyes are amazing.  He has a bit of an Asian cut to his eyes and they have a truly unique shape, not at all "DuMoulin" we've been saying but perhaps more Anna's side, which includes not a little Mongolian!  So our little warrior is drawing us out from our scared hobbit holes where we shudder to think that he won't live the year out and all that.  I've been realizing more and more that this is bullocks.  He is already developed at the same rate as a three month old and except for his head control he is no different than a "normal" baby his age.  Today the geneticists told us it would be worth having another scan of his head and have the results sent off to a "specialist".  Supposedly he is the guru of pediatric neurology and he may be able to tell us, based on the brain structure, what caused the stroke or the vascular episode.  He may also be able to better assess Leo's brain and determine what he has and doesn't have up there.  I think we will seek "specialist", why not?  In the mean time, life goes on.  On my good days I imagine Leo talking and playing sports one day.  On my bad days, I remember the pulverizing fears of finding out in the hospital just what was in store for us and Leo, and not ever wanting to go back there.  Thank God, it's over but so much is in store, in the positive sense, I don't want to miss a minute of it.
Peace