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The iWant

It's that most wonderful time of the year!

The time when society tries to ramp up its consumerism with shameless advertisement, and Christmas becomes nothing but a sad, empty wallet. That iWant was what pushed everything into the red.
The new and improved iWant promises many things; Your heart's desire firstly, and secondly, something essential for the betterment of your life. We need that iWant! We can't be happy without it.

Every Christmas I think about my children.
 Maybe because with both of them, I found out about the pregnancies around Christmas. And so I understood why I was so weepy during the beautiful parts of the church service where we sing about that most precious gift that was given to us. Our salvation in the form of a little baby. The iWant, although it tries hard, really can't compare. Because the gift of Christmas is not about self fulfillment or happiness, it's about the ever lasting joy of sacrifice and love.
In many ways, when Leo was born, he was not ours to have. This was a rare extreme because we were told even before he was born that we couldn't keep him, that he would die, that if he lived, he wouldn't be able to partake in life. When most babies are born, it's all about the future and the security of seeing the possibilities and development. I cried in joy when I found out about him three Decembers ago, but then we cried in love and fear when he was born.
We want so much, especially when we have a baby. We want a girl, or a boy, or both! We want certain color hair or eyes or personalities, we want this and we expect that. But most of the time? We get the completely unexpected. Our children become the super duper iWant, because we realize that even though we never thought we wanted them or needed them, they become essential to our salvation.
Leo? He is essential to us. He is my iWant.
Not because he has got many cool apps, or because I can use him to make myself better, but exactly because I can't do all those things. But because of those gut wrenching times of extreme fear, those moments where I look at him, and his face fills my vision completely, when I feel I could move mountains because of him. And when my heart breaks in pride watching him try so hard to learn new skills. And because he is an example of what it means to love something desperately without possessing it. Without keeping it forever, and without using it. Folks might say, well then what is the point? It's a pretty useless iWant that can't do anything for you. Wrong. It's the best kind of iWant, because it can't do anything for you, but it can make you do anything for others.

Yeah, it is the most joyful and sorrowful time of the year!


  1. Hi Anna and Justin,
    Thanks for pouring your hearts out on this blog! I can not even tell you what it means to me! You and your family are a constant reminder to me that God is real and he watches over us all. That he gives us what we need and never leaves us! Stay strong and keep posting. I will keep reading and crying tears of sorrow for your pain and struggle. I will also weep tears of joy for your triumph! May God continue to bless you greatly!

  2. Wow, what a fabulous post. Although everything you said was beautiful, my favorite thing you said was: "And because he is an example of what it means to love something desperately without possessing it." That really is true about all of our children, and isn't that just amazing? I love the picture of the two of them sitting together, and what a big kid he looks like! Hoping that this is an especially calm, peaceful and meaningful Christmas for the 4 of you. Pretty easy not to get caught up in the "I want" when you have everything you've ever wanted, isn't it? I feel that way, too. :)

  3. Your family is so beautiful and so is your blog. I have fallen in love with Leo. He reminds me so much of my own son, Ian. Christmas certainly is about the everlasting joy of sacrifice and love. Thank you for sharing Leo with us. It's amazing how your little guy has given so much vision to many of us, even strangers. Sending prayers and love always. -Jennifer-


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