Skip to main content

Tick Tock

You know the story of Peter Pan? Not the numerous Disney versions, but the real one. Actually I got the real story read to me in Russian when I was a kid. The stories, the characters, seemed so tangible to me, so bigger then life. When you're little, you don't think about the meanings behind the events, just the events themselves. When young you know the stories only through your emotions, and then as you get older, suddenly something kicks in, and you start to see the stories in a different way. Take for example, Captain Hook. In the original story, he's a real piece of work. An all around Mr. bad guy, and I remember hating him for all the trouble he caused Peter Pan and his lost boys. But now I realize, he was just driven by his fear. What was his fear? Time. Of course time was in the form of a nasty crocodile that happened to have swallowed a clock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock.
Everything he did was in anticipation of hearing his death draw near. You are probably wondering why I am reminiscing about a nursery story. Well because now I can relate to Captain Hook. I can understand his fear, how it can become an obsession. Tick-Tock. I feel like the past two months have flown by, and I am afraid of what each passing day is bringing closer. As parents, we pray that we won't have to see our children die. That is, when we even allow ourselves to think about that. Most of the time, we bury ourselves in the everyday things and try to stay in blissful ignorance of death. Until it comes by and bites our hand off. Then everything starts to sound like a clock. So what did Captain Hook do? Well he got a hook put on in the place of his hand for one, and then he started to destroy those around him who were not afraid of death.
But there is another story and another figure that I am thinking of, in comparison to Captain Hook. A person who, knowing full well the exact hour of his death, instead of sowing more death and destruction, proceeded to bring forth life and hope to all around him. To whom everyday was a chance to say yes instead of no, to bring love instead of hate. Even though time was marching on, even though he knew he would die totally alone, friendless, unloved and scorned, he lived and loved. His story, which we know as the gospels, is the example of how we should live our death march. Every miracle, every event was just bringing him closer to his Crucifixion. Tick-Tock indeed. Well what about us? Though we don't know the hour or the exact circumstance which will take our son away, we know that the clock is running. And for me, it's going way too fast! Every day, every minute we have the choice to either deny death and embrace fear, or to try on Christ's Cross and just stand firm in the midst of the tempest. I know there won't be a miracle preformed here, not the kind that we like to fantasize about anyway, but perhaps there is a chance for a different kind of miracle. One that is quiet and peaceful, calm in soul and spirit. A miracle, in other words, of a completely different nature. One where at the end of the day, we can lie down to sleep with joy and acceptance, and instead of Tick-Tock, we say Amen, Amen, Amen. Tonight, that is what I am praying for.


  1. May it be blessed.

    Friends of ours lost their daughter a week ago in a horrible car accident. They were all in the car; the daughter was four. They had no time, no goodbyes, no preparation - other than that we are supposed to accomplish every day. I suspect that they would value an extra day, hour, even few minutes. That compared to what they were given instead, one extra day would be glorious!

    I say this NOT to diminish the anguish you all certainly must feel, but to AGREE with you. The time you have IS a blessing. We will all go one day, some sooner, some later. How many of us make the most of every moment? Not many. In that regard, you are blessed, as strange as it is to say.

    We pray for you all daily and you are commemorated at Liturgy.

  2. Lisa and I were at a funeral service last Saturday at a local Catholic Church. The priest's reflection included remembering his time with Lorna administering Last Rites. I'm not familiar with their tradition but with each petition Lorna said "Thank You!" He was very taken by her response. Should we not all be in that frame of mind and spirit every moment of our lives? I can't believe that little Leo is not in total thankfulness for all the love he is being given. Are we, in return, in that same state of thankfulness for the joy Leo is giving us? No matter how long it may be! If we are, there in lies the real miracle. "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

  3. Anna,your tick tock post is mature beyond years.Leo your "Tidal wave" has knocked the foundation from under your feet,but in return he has bestowed upon you two very special gifts.The gift of acceptance and that of living in the moment.Our only solution to all of lifes harships is through a total act of relinquishment.It's when we are truly able to say,Your will be done an not mine.Through this acceptance comes a sence of peace and a "Different kind of a miracle."Meanwhile continue to bath yourself in the moment and sweetness of Leo's and Nika's existance.
    "Yesterday is the past and tomorrow is the future.Today is a gift-tis is why they call it present."Love and prayers to all.

  4. Thank you! Amen, Amen, Amen!
    Love to all.

  5. How beautiful are your words that come from your heart! It makes me feel better as I read them. I know that God is blessing you with each minute as a family together.
    Love, Deb

  6. I hear you Anna. It's so hard not knowing how long we have to enjoy our children. Loving someone is a risky thing..because it can always be taken away. I pray each moment with Leo is a gift for you both & that time stands still in these moments.

  7. Thank you for your wisdom. I have been trying to make sense of this world, all the "crisis." Reading your blog answered my questions. Death is coming, one way or another. All we can really do is focus on Jesus and try to live like he did. I am praying for that same miracle.

  8. I have to tell myself in scary situations for me about my boys....

    I remind myself that they are not mine but gifts on loan to me to bring up in the nurture and admonition of the lord. They are his and he has numbered the days of their lives. I rest in peace knowing that they are mine as long as he wills it to be.They are 20 and 16 now and I still will feel this way as long as I live.It's hard to have a hold on this , but not really, because we don't know his plans, and all we can do is act in faith believing he will keep them safe,and excepting his will on their lives and mine. Happy Day with Leo Today

  9. Seraphim and IlariaOctober 28, 2010 at 10:01 AM

    Your words are so inspiring, such a blessing for us, and for so many people. Thank God for what He is doing in your lives, and thank you so much for this labor of love. We finish reading each post with a full heart.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pharmaceutical Fallout

I'm sure you guys are wondering what's been up with the Lion this past week after our worrisome VEEG adventure.  To tell you the truth, I feel like I've been taking shots of Leo's drugs and consequently feel dull and numb and just plain depressed. That is now of course, two days ago I was running high on adrenalin and resembled a charging rhino. I'll tell you why: So after being put on his new drug, Trileptal, Leo definitely started having a cessation of seizure activity, unfortunately however, he also started having severe headaches, photophobia, inconsolable crying and then in the last couple of days, a rash on his thighs, face, and hands. Just as an FYI the word "rash" is a magic word that will open the doors of the medical castle faster and slicker than a trojan horse. It's true, one does not mess about with allergic reactions. He was seen by his neuro within the hour, and after some bullying and grilling from yours truly, the action plan was det…

Not Your Average Special

Leo. This kid. Honestly? Life with the lion can be quantified in two parts: into a simple 60/40 equation. The 40 being the happy normal parent feelings, and the 60 being sheer exhaustion, confusion, worry, and what-the-hell-is-it-now feelings.  All normal right? Just another day in parent land. Wrong. I have always been an advocate for down-playing the special neediness of special needs. Yeah, yeah we all think we are special in our own unique hardships, get over it. We all have crap in our lives to deal with. But I might be starting to change my outlook.  Just a bit. Case in point: Leo and consequently me and everyone else who lives with him, have now been dealing with daily seizures for well over a year. Ok it doesn't sound that bad, when you string the words together and type it out into a sentence; there are way more scary sentences out there like "your child has a terminal brain defect" sentence etc etc. That sounds way more scary than daily seizures. This I know f…

The Rhythm of Life

When I think of the word rhythm, what comes foremost to my mind is a picture of my grandpa's metronome. My grandpa, when he lived in Russia, was a fairly well known voice professor who dedicated his whole life to the perfection and instruction of the human voice. As long as the human in question was applying said voice to opera and only opera, that is. Opera, in my grandpa's mind, was the only music worth bothering with. All other music he condescendingly referred to as "the bebop" with a lot of Russian eye rolling and sighing. He taught me about rhythm by sticking his old wooden metronome on the edge of his piano, and commanded me to never take my eyes off it during the whole voice lesson. Since it was conveniently eye level to my ten year old self it was pretty easy to get completely mesmerized watching the little weighted metal stick swish side to side, side to side, side to side.  I'm thinking now, almost twenty years later, that it may have been part of gra…