Torture? Yes Please....

I always used to think masochists very weird and strange. I mean really, who would go out of their way to inflict pain on themselves? Well, as I have grown older and wiser (that's still up for debate) I have realized that this self infliction of pain is not so simple. First off, there are many different degrees and manifestations of masochism and it is not limited to actual physical pain. Sometimes it's a habitual emotional response to an outside stimuli. Like a sad movie that we watch over and over again just so that we can shed those bittersweet tears. Or thinking about something that made us mad before, just so that we can get outraged all over again.  Maybe it's supposed to be a way for us to deal with whatever issues we have and when we fail, we have to keep going through it again and again. Hopefully by the umpteenth time we will finally get it and change, before the cycle becomes habitual because once that happens, you're heading for serious trouble.
I realize that lately that I have become a type of masochist, and unless I find a way out, things are going to get ugly. Sure it's all just an emotional temptation that gets justified by fancy names etc, but sometimes it's all you can do to hold on to your sanity. Take for example, our situation with Leo. Every day that goes by, though of course precious, is just one closer to the end. Of course one can argue that is the same with any child, however most people think in terms of lifetimes, as opposed to months or (if you're lucky,) years. So lately I've been feeling really tortured, and the torture is of my own devise. I find myself automatically comparing Leo to other babies, worrying about his weight, buying him cute outfits, in other words, trying to make him normal. And then when my self-constructed reality of normalcy doesn't stand up to scrutiny, I fall apart along with it. Again and again. I have nightmares of myself as this tortured soul who is completely unapproachable and an outcast. The mad woman wailing at the moon. There really is no grief like that of a mother's for her child. I remember sitting in the ultrasound room after the doc told me my baby had no brain and will probably die at birth. I remember sitting there and screaming at her that I can't watch my baby die. Poor woman probably had to take an antacid after she left us. Yes, Leo is still alive, and right now, gloriously healthy, so what is my problem? Well that's just it. Torture me, torture me, as they say in Russian... Hopefully this replay of all my fears and heartbreak is so that I can "get over it," as they say, and stop trying to make Leo fit into my old self. My old self is gone, along with what I thought was a pretty normal and rational world. Now I am a mom of a very different baby, in a very different and scary world. But we all sign up for this in some way, when we are in a position to have kids, even though most of us don't ever think about it. This could be you, and how would you deal with it??? And if it has to come with a spoonful of torture just to see my son's precious smile? Give me more, thanks!