I am referring to my inner state, my spiritual state, throughout this whole ordeal. When fear grips us so profoundly it keeps us in a half-state of being. There are no mountaintop experiences (real or imagined) and the temptation is to allow that fear to become the norm as life slips by like a dream. Where once there were many roads "out" (real or imagined), fear, or the memory of fear says "don't rock the boat, you've been comfortable now in this new state of fear" and it binds you to the event like a boat that crashes against the rocky shore again and again and again whenever the "inner storm" rages. This is my all-to-human spiritual state these days. But it isn't spiritual at all, it's just a replay of the same event crashing on the same rocky shores. I need the storm, the rocks, the whole scene to complete the cycle of fear in me. It's how I "deal" with a situation that is beyond me. Unfortunately it is how I have learned to "deal" with the challenges of being Leo's Father.
This is all wrong. My heart knows it. A "half-way" approach to the last four months, my memories of it, and my anticipation of what's to come, is part of the trap. It's only a coping, an illusion, that keeps me half-hearted, half (spiritually) dead. What would it mean to break clean of that familiar road of fear that began with Leo's tramatic birth? I know the answer, but it isn't easy. It requires listening, silence, meditation on the "still small voice" and a cultivation of the rational seed of faith that is buried in there under all the noise.
Tonight he just lay on my lap and stared up at me while I watched a soccer game and ate dinner. He stared and played with my hands and cooed and just listened and looked at me with wonderment. Meanwhile, some of my days are ruled by anxiety and the small voice has been shut out. Without this, there is no spirituality
The holiday season gets louder and louder every year until I cannot even believe we call it Christmas anymore. Traditionally the Church derived great spiritual benefit during Nativity from contemplating the birth of God in a cave which actually symbolizes a tomb. It has to do not only with silence but with the reality that the Savior was born into the world to die. As Winter thaws and Spring comes the death and resurrection of Christ competes the picture. Unfortunately this reality is passed over in a kind of whirlwind of noise both from outside and within and so the event of Christ's birth and it's meaning is utterly lost. Please pray for us sinners.
Christ is Born!
Glorify Him!
"Today the Virgin gives birth to the transcendent one,
and the earth offers a cave to the Unapproachable One!
Angels, with shepherds, glorify him!
The wise men journey with a star!
Since for our sake the eternal God was born as a little child!"
(Kontakion by Romanos the Melode, tone 3)
This is all wrong. My heart knows it. A "half-way" approach to the last four months, my memories of it, and my anticipation of what's to come, is part of the trap. It's only a coping, an illusion, that keeps me half-hearted, half (spiritually) dead. What would it mean to break clean of that familiar road of fear that began with Leo's tramatic birth? I know the answer, but it isn't easy. It requires listening, silence, meditation on the "still small voice" and a cultivation of the rational seed of faith that is buried in there under all the noise.
Tonight he just lay on my lap and stared up at me while I watched a soccer game and ate dinner. He stared and played with my hands and cooed and just listened and looked at me with wonderment. Meanwhile, some of my days are ruled by anxiety and the small voice has been shut out. Without this, there is no spirituality
The holiday season gets louder and louder every year until I cannot even believe we call it Christmas anymore. Traditionally the Church derived great spiritual benefit during Nativity from contemplating the birth of God in a cave which actually symbolizes a tomb. It has to do not only with silence but with the reality that the Savior was born into the world to die. As Winter thaws and Spring comes the death and resurrection of Christ competes the picture. Unfortunately this reality is passed over in a kind of whirlwind of noise both from outside and within and so the event of Christ's birth and it's meaning is utterly lost. Please pray for us sinners.
Christ is Born!
Glorify Him!
"Today the Virgin gives birth to the transcendent one,
and the earth offers a cave to the Unapproachable One!
Angels, with shepherds, glorify him!
The wise men journey with a star!
Since for our sake the eternal God was born as a little child!"
(Kontakion by Romanos the Melode, tone 3)
Your family is so beautiful! I pray that God will give you peace during this season. Have a blessed Christmas with your family of four :)
ReplyDeleteWe love you guys. Christ is born, we are born, Leo is born ... that is the miracle! What we all do with each of those births is the challenge. Spirituality is not bliss, it is a way to approach life and its ultimate question. With Christ, He is Risen! Through His goodness, we too are given that opportunity. Your struggle is your cross and the path to salvation. "O Christ, great and holy Pascha, Wisdom, Word and power of God,grant that we may more perfectly partake of Thee in the never ending day of Your Kingdom."
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