Fear and Growing Up, in other words, Abortion

Catchy title eh? No no, don't worry, nothing controversial or threatening here, just wanted to share some thoughts. Before Leo, I, like many other Orthodox Christians, had a pretty basic view of abortion. Although I didn't go to the annual pro-life rally on the D.C. Mall, I had some vague opinions about abortion being wrong and just knowing that I personally would never do it. I think that sums up most of us reading this blog. However, since the little Leo man has come into my life, I find that my views have changed. I've realized that bearing a child is something bigger and more mysterious than a pro-life banner can really sum up. Now, for the first time, there is a part of me that can almost understand that deep dark place that a woman has to be in to willingly abort her child. It's a terribly lonely place, and the only other thing down there, is fear. Pretending that fear isn't there is kinda ludicrous; a proverbial elephant in the room. Fear is the only thing that makes a woman seek abortion. Everything else is just excuses. We convince ourselves that this fear of the unknown takes priority, and that taking action against it is not only logical, but desired. I have thought much about abortion since Leo. Mostly because our journey feels so much like fording new territory not just for us, but for the medical team trying to help us. This is not because this condition is that rare, it's because so many of these babies are aborted. I shouldn't say just these babies, but all kinds of babies are, for even less indications of birth defects. As are countless others, for no real reason at all. Our docs at DHMC admitted it to us pretty plainly, that had Leo been discovered on the early routine ultrasound (that I never had) I would have been strongly encouraged to abort him. In that hellish week in which we found out his prognosis just before his birth, I remember commenting to Justin that if presented with that choice at that time, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I think that God knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle that and spared me. It really was a complete fluke that I didn't get that early ultrasound done. We were in NYC and there was a snow storm...etc etc, so I never made that appointment. And after that, I just never bothered with it. So once having spent a little bit of time in that place, I feel like I can at least understand why someone might decide to abort. And having said that, because I know that place, I know that there is a way through it. And that way is leaving the fear behind, and yes, growing up. Some people compare having a child to drawing straws, or "box of chocolates, ya never know what you gonna get.." I think that's wrong myself, because then you have the lucky people with their perfect children, and then you have the rest of us who got the rejects. And we were the dumb ones who didn't trade out for the better ones when we had the chance. What's wrong with this picture? What's wrong is that bearing children is something so profoundly mysterious and miraculous that we just can't categorize it, understand it, or label it. It is something unique to every couple, every woman, and it is something we have absolutely no control over. Sure with the advancement of birth control, we can pretend. We can choose who shares our bed, why can't we choose our children too? And we are so totally unprepared that we are completely terrified when something is different that what we choose and expect. I am reminded by a scene from the show that we have been into lately, "Battlestar Galactica," in which a "special child," is presumed dead by one of the characters. In trying to help another character deal with guilt feelings because of this, she says, "it isn't any one's fault, it's life." Life. Life she says, not death. Life is hard, messy, scary, and sometimes things happen that are totally out of our control. And instead of pretending that somehow we have control over the hand that was dealt, or some inside knowledge that gives us the power to change things, we go on as best we can. Abortion is not the answer, and although there was a moment where I thought I could have done it, I realize now that it wouldn't have solved anything. I would have payed for it the rest of my life. But by not doing it, by putting all that outside myself, by taking Leo into my arms, can I clearly understand what "Thy will be done" really means. I understand that the reason Leo is what he is, is a miracle, and that can never be degraded by our puny attempts to rationalize and compartmentalize our life.

Just added the video of that song that Justin brought up in his comment below. It's nice to read the words, but even better to hear the music! Thanks hon for introducing me to it. It really does fit what I'm trying to say here!