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Make It

You may have gathered that I haven't been on my top form this past weekend and week. To be perfectly honest, I've sort of lost my head and my cool over this seizure episode on Friday and the resulting PICU stay. Days later at home, and I'm still a bit shell shocked. Justin somehow deals with these things better then I; he is able to keep his chin up and keep trucking. I manage that ok until I am back in a familier environment, like home, and then I just kinda fall apart. The clouds of gloom descend, and I start despairing over the slightest thing. Exhausted, emotionally weary and yet constantly on the edge of anxiety. You know, that feeling when the problems of the world rest between your shoulder-blades. The more I pondered and tried to define my state, the worse I felt until I wasn't sure how I was going to get through the day.

But, as often is the case, God can be depended upon for sending reinforcements. Not angels with flaming swords, but a friend, a calm thought,  a deep breath, or even just a still moment to rebalance your heart. I managed to rebalance my heart today when I remembered the wise words of a friend. "Fake it till you make it!" She always laughs, though her life hasn't been easy, but somehow she is still  filled with grace and compassion; without the gloom.

Even though life is pretty serious right now, pretty scary in regards to our little dude, it helps no-one, him least of all, to see me all shook up and depressed. But I don't feel happy, my brain wails at me. I just can't do it, it admits. Happiness and a light heart is a thing of the past, a thing that belongs in a seizure free world. Its so easy to sink when you can't swim. But at least I can pretend to swim, I convince my brain. Just pretend to do it, just smile and keep smiling until it starts to feel real. Fake it. Like an author with writer's block typing "blah blah blah" for pages until the "blah" turns into "beautiful." Keep moving, keep living, and before you know it, you ARE living. You've faked it in the beginning  but now you've made it real.

When we are working with a young or inexperienced horse, it's all about keeping things positive, keeping things simple and light, and always rewarding the smallest try. If I can do all that with a huge animal, why can't I do it with myself? If, by building gently and softly, without delving into negativity, I can teach my horse to dance and fly, shouldn't I be able to do the same to my heart?

And even if I don't exactly feel it yet, I know the peace that I'm faking now is just around the corner. With a little help from my family, friends, and my four hoofed loves the peace is just at the other end of the water jump, to be precise...

If my little lion man, can still smile after all that's happend to him, after all that has been done to him, then I sure as heck had better smile too. Dontcha think?

He is doing better everyday, and as you can see, his personality is coming back full force. He still tires very quickly and takes two very long naps in the day. Also his left side is still markedly weaker, but that too is improving a little each day. The new medicine is a breeze to administer, since it's in the form of tiny little grains that are sprinkled onto his breakfast and dinner, and so far, I can't see any drastic side effects. Fingers, toes, eyes, everything crossed that this med will do the trick and take that awful threat of seizures away from him. Thank you again, for all your prayers and love to our little lion these past days!


  1. Anna you are the strongest woman I know, even though you are foreced to use that strength in ways you'd rather not. You will make it over that water jump, and I hope you know that I and a multitude of others are standing in the bleachers cheering you on. Since He is our awesome trainer we have to have faith we will make it safely to the other side. Love and hugs. Amanda

  2. Well, Avram decided to have three seizures in the last 24 hours--the little foot twitching ones, too. These crazy, sweet little boys. Prayers your way all this past week.

  3. Sorry this episode has been especially rough for you! I'm also a believer in and practitioner of "fake it till you make it" - I think it's a valid strategy as long as you know you are doing it, and aren't trying to fool yourself, too! And that others who can give you prayers and support also know what you are really going through. Your blogging seems to be a good tool to help you keep things honest while you are also "faking it" :)

  4. Prayers coming your way from Kodiak as we sing our culminating "Amen" for the pilgrimage for St. Herman - who, as you remember, loved little children. Peace and grace be with you.


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